6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
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Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).