Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
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My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Perfect.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Food gives you energy to nap more.