The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
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Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
✌️
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know