Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
You Might Also Like
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”