I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
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When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Still writing HBO Max on my checks