If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
You Might Also Like
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl