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[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Meow
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic