*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
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You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”