*loses you in a crowd*
finally
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“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you