Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
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me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what