God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
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A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*