Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
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*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.