reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
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My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
My brain is a bad influence on me
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔