My wife gives the best headache.
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My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught