I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
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Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son