Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
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what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
My blood type is coffee.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
There’s only one good girl here!
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing