*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
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Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
New favorite tiktok
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.