Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
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A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
🙋♀️
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
What the hell happened in there??
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.