I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
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Can Happiness buy money?
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator