I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
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On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Wait a second…
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
checking out some reviews of my local library
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language