When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
You Might Also Like
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2