Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
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I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.