The “research” scene in every horror movie
You Might Also Like
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.