“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
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someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it