If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
You Might Also Like
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.