I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
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me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
cat vs inanimate object
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.