CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
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If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
O Wise One….
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.