me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
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Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.