5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
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Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”