I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
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Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
turning my gender off to conserve energy
this is funnier than any friends episode
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes