“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
You Might Also Like
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Not recommended for beginners.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.