[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
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oh no, steve’s working tonight
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Ghost costume 😂
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.