Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
You Might Also Like
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
starting a garage orchestra
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.