Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
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me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”