Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
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The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Somebody’s lying.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.