Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
You Might Also Like
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
don’t we all
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed