Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
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My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*