Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
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[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Mistakes were made
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.