[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
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Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.