Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
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13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions