Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
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Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark