My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
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“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.