I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
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Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.