A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
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My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.