I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
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Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
These work great until they don’t.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat