My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
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“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]