My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
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When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation