bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
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For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.