My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
#milo
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.