Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
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Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.